I am a nurse

The first year of being a nurse is a journey. I should say, perhaps, (and assume fully to be true) that being a nurse in general is a journey. However, I can, as of now, attest only to the first year. I recently passed my one year mark as a pediatric critical care nurse. The journey has, thus far, been incredible. One of learning, terror, joys, nerves, laughter, tears, mounting self-assurance, and overwhelming insecurity.


I have days that bring me great joy; fulfillment in my work, the feeling of really making a difference. Days where I see progress and healing and rejoicing among parents and children alike for the obstacles they've overcome. I have days of frustration where I feel like nothing can go right, no one appreciates me, no one listens to me, and I can never seem to catch up. Then there are days of humility where the strength, perseverance, and optimism of my patients and co-workers uplift me and reminds me of the blessings in my life that I take for granted almost daily. There are days too, where pain, suffering, defeat and even death seem to encroach from all sides. Days where it seems to take more strength than I possess to make it through a shift.


But at the end of any combination of these days, I have to say, 1 year into it, I am proud to be a nurse. I am proud to work alongside some of the smartest and most caring, understanding, helpful, and encouraging nurses I could ever imagine. I feel blessed. Not only because of the enjoyment and fulfillment I get out of work. Nor just because of the amazing people I work with and meet. No, I feel most blessed to experience the joys of human reality day in and day out. Not many people see true joy, true sorrow, true thanksgiving, true desperation, and true rejoicing as often as I do. Sometimes all in the same shift.


So, I may not be a great nurse; though I have learned much, there is sooo much more for me to learn. But knowing now what the world of nursing really is and working with the amazing nurses that I strive one day to be like, I am incredibly PROUD to be able to call myself one at all. Thankful, that HE has brought me to this place in life. So, if you know a nurse, give them a hug :-) now that you know what each day may bring. They might appreciate one, they might even need one, but if not, I can almost assure you that they are, as always, ready and willing to give one.

Shocked

This is how I felt the other morning. I have to admit, I did (a true technology generation kid) find out about the news from facebook. At first, I was just surprised to hear the news; after all this time, he had been found, and now he was dead. But as I scrolled down my homepage...I moved very quickly from surprised to amused that I was the only one, it seemed, who had not already heard, to shocked!

This news was the content of about 85% of my facebook friends' statuses...and many, if not most, of my friends were rejoicing, making jokes, or giving the "atta boy" to our country. Really? Was I the only one who was taken aback?

Yes, I am glad that justice has been served, that no further pain or suffering will will come from this man, and that those who were hurt by him can feel some closure. I am grateful for those who worked so hard to find him and serve so dutifully day in and day out. That is not the issue I'm seeing. But is it really appropriate to be rejoicing over death?

I don't know, I realize the conflicting ideas and feelings on the matter, and I think that the emotions of relief and appreciation are completely valid. But...it was a sad day for me. We are upset when foreign countries have poor and judgmental opinions of us, but I think that if anyone were to pull up facebook or twitter yesterday, they would be completely validated in judging us insensitive and slightly cruel.

Is there not a remorseful thought out there? Is there no idea that this was someone's son, someone's brother? Is there no regret over a soul lost forever? I'm not suggesting anyone be overly upset or crying about it. Just...are we so desensitized that we can only see another bad guy shot down in a movie?

A Disney Princess

What did I do last weekend?

That's right...ran a half-marathon! What else?

How far is a half-marathon, you may be wondering (because I actually did not know until after I had both signed up and payed for it, haha) Well, let me tell you, it is 13.1 miles!! (and yes, that 0.1 at the end IS important to say when you stick it in after 13 previous miles)

Why you may also ask... that I can't quite tell you the answer to. Though I've always enjoyed a nice short run, I'm not really a "runner" by any stretch of the imagination, but when two of my good friends (who are also not really runners) told me about their plans and asked me if I wanted to join in the training, I thought...why not? Something I've never done before!

So, come February, there we were! at 4:00am...thats right, AM, for our race! With Princess crowns, of course; we had to look the part!

Would I say I was prepared...almost, lol

But, with our princess labels too...

We did it!

Actually, it was incredibly fun! I ran the whole time, walking only long enough to drink the occasional cup of water (I can barely walk and drink, much less run, lol, just not that coordinated). I certainly didn't set any speed records, clocking in at 2hours and 30minutes, but I had a great time!

Yes, I was super sore the next few days.

And the last question I get asked: would you do it again?
totally! just not too soon :-)

Where were You?

Let's be honest about pediatric nursing for a moment; sick kids make people sad. In general, I'd say that's true.

I hear all the time, "oh, I could never do what you do". And I smile and reply politely, "well, I can't see myself not doing it", or something of the like. And, in general, for those of us who do work with sick kids, it's true. We love it, wouldn't be there if we didn't.

The good moments often outweigh the bad. And the sad times, we usually leave at the hospital. Don't get me wrong, every sad story affects us, teaches us, moves us. But the fact of the matter is, every day is the worst day of someone's life. It can't always be the worst of ours. It just can't.

So we leave it there... When we can. So here comes the honesty: sometimes we can't. At least, sometimes I can't. Sometimes the sorrow, the pain, the agony, the hatred seeps in and I struggle. And as I struggle, I find myself asking, where was He? Where was He when that little girl was hurt? Where was He when that baby died? Where was He when that mother lost her son?

And on those days, I love this song. I believe this song:


"Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where were You when all that I've hoped for?
Where You when all that I've dreamed?
Came crashing down in shambles around me
You were on the cross

Pain, could you take away the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made

You were on the crss, my G, my G, all along, all along
You were on the crss, You died for us, all along, all along
You were on the crss, victorious, all along, all along

You were there in all of my suffering
And You were there in doubt and in fear
I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear"


And so, honestly, sometimes I struggle. Do you?

And, honestly, sometimes we can't do what we do either. Sometimes we're just waiting...like so many others. Waiting on the dawn to reappear.

Just Fun

My 2010 (Part 2)

July

July began with me saying goodbye to the job I've loved for the past 3 years. Working with special needs kids is still a passion of mine and I can't even begin to describe how hard it was to walk out of that school on my last day...










But new things were on the horizon as I started my first "real job"! I started working as a pediatric critical care nurse. This was not AT ALL where I saw myself working when I first started nursing school, but it ended up being the place I really love and have really found it to be the place that I "fit".









The month continued with my roomie's bridal shower! As maid of honor, it was my job to record the gifts and help keep her organized. The first of many really "weddingy" things we got to do together!









August

August brought one of the biggest changes of all as I moved out from my parents house into my new apartment with my good friend and now roomie.

Working as a brand new nurse plowed on as I continued to train on my floor as well as go through the many MANY classes required to start a nursing career.





September

Now that nursing school had officially ended for me and my two "nursing besties" we kicked off September celebrating in style by trashing our nursing school scrubs mudding on 4-wheelers.










October

We continued working through our classes and training at the hospital throughout October, but not without taking some fun breaks, like helping out at my neighborhood's halloween party for the kids, and creating some fun costumes, of course!









November


So much fun mid November, seeing cousins and family for Thanksgiving! The whole crew from my daddy's side reunited here with us where we had a slightly untraditional, but super special holiday.









December

December, as always, brought one of my favorite seasons! I love love LOVE Christmas decorations, cookies, shopping for the perfect gift for everyone, and spending time with my family all together! Even more, however, do I love the reason behind the season....














Celebrating the Day that HE was born to die is such an emotional, sweet, and heart-breaking time for me. The sacrifice of sending a son here for the purpose of a brutal death is breath taking.

I spent this year, as always, with my family, cherishing the time together, and the One who enables it all...







What this next year will bring, I cannot begin to guess. So many dreams, opportunities, and possibilities hover on the horizon. I can only ask that it be filled with His guidance and love and that I would have the courage and humility to follow as I'm lead.

Happy 2011! May it be filled with all the blssings of last year and the hope of all that is to come :-)

My 2010 (Part 1)

As 2011 is just about upon us, I've decided to follow suit of several friends of mine who are doing a quick "2010 recap". Because, as always, how can we know where we're going, without occasionally reflecting upon where we've been.

So, here is Part one of my 2010:

January

It's hard to believe that, just a year ago, I was still in nursing school. I was just starting my "practicum" (our final semester internship really) and had found out that I had gotten my first choice...a pediatric step-down unit! I was super nervous, but really excited to get my first experience working real nursing shifts and functioning as a real nurse.













Still working at the special needs school, I kept very busy working in times for "real work" and my "unpaid work" aka 3 12-hour practicums a week! Of course leaving time for fun, like field trips to the zoo with the kiddos I love so much!








February

I continued on through nursing school, now throwing in my community clinical (teaching nutrition classes for kids downtown) to add to the chaos that had become my schooling.










March

As the end of school approached, we stayed crazy busy as the weeks flew by. We even added in some extra "work" as we took it upon ourselves to practice useful skills like IVs on our classmates :-)










April

We were plagued with final exams, papers, and clinicals to finish as graduation approached. We made it a tri-weekly tradition to get free scantrons from the union to keep up with all the end of year testing we had to do.










May

At last, graduation was upon us! In the midst of final exams and job searching, the day really seemed to sneak up on me. At the end of the month, after much anxiety, I was offered a job on the floor where I did my practicum! Now was only left to study study study for my licensure exam in june!






Also at the end of May, was the end of the school year at work as well. This meant parties, crafts, and, unfortunately, tearful goodbyes to the students who would not be attending summer camp. Still miss those kiddos!!
And finally I made the trip to the ophthalmologist and got what was inevitable...glasses!











June

June was crazy! I started with, and continued to study study study! The exam was just around the corner, determining my ability to start my career or not. In there, I found time to celebrate my birthday with some good friends.









I chopped my hair off and got bangs, a HUGE difference for me! I hadn't really cut my hair in years and years!












And in a joyful ending....I passed my exam!!! Now an official Registered nurse, I was ready to start practicing!!













...The rest of 2010 to come...

I Celebrate The Day...

"And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever



And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pry for You to save my life


Pry for You to save my life..."